EXile

The first stage of healing after a relationship break-up normally finds you wanting to go into some kind of EXile.

No matter how bad the relationship was when he’s finally gone you are devastated. You are living in your own private hell and don’t feel like getting out of bed, let alone leaving the house. The thought of taking out the garbage is overwhelming. Welcome to EXile! Here are some tips to help you survive:

Dark sunglasses: your new best friend.
You WILL cry – A LOT. So, your number one purchase should be a pair of very dark sunglasses. Live in them. Feel like an exotic and wounded creature that needs protection from the bright lights of reality. It’s really ok. You will cry all the time and that too will pass. At some point you’ll realize there’s a world around you that you love, people who care, maybe even a future.

Don’t make ANY big decisions.
In Exile you feel so alone and vulnerable. You can’t sleep for longer than a few hours and you are still fantasizing about re-uniting with your ex (even if you won’t admit it). My advice is not to make decisions and to not expect any concentration or clarity of mind. A friend once advised me that this is the time to firmly put the oxygen mask on and to breathe. Don’t take it off to help anyone else until you are feeling stronger yourself.

Put future plans on hold.
Try not to make commitments and don’t buy tickets to events. YOU WON’T GO. Trust me on this. I booked massage sessions, volunteer sessions, concert tickets (and if you think missing a concert with Tina Turner is an easy thing) – well it just shows how much of a complete and utter hermit you want to be in this stage of “EX”.

Important safety tips.
Try not to start smoking if you can help it. Avoid drinking excessively – you will just feel worse. As a general rule, refuse to indulge in any addictions because trust me you’ll have absolutely no self control to quit!!

Be gentle on yourself.
This is the stage where you’ll beat yourself up for every little thing you’ve ever done in your entire life. You can’t believe you sent your ex another email telling him what a creep-coward-monster he was. (By the way, when are email designers going to figure out that the most valuable feature in email for many ‘ex-ers’ is the “recall” feature?). EXile is temporary, although it doesn’t feel like it. All this WILL pass. It’s a cliché, but time heals.

Respect your family and friends.
Kids (if you have them) may want to help, but keep in mind you look pretty freaky at this time - streaks of mascara, unwashed hair, sobbing into your Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Cherry ice-cream. It’s not a pretty sight and can do irreparable damage to young minds. Your kids remember you as a happy mom, the smiling, ever cheerful problem solver. You have been their hero for years. This is a hard transition period for them too. How you handle this time will impact them, so be authentic and truthful above all else.

Get help if you need it!!
Consider seeing a counselor, or joining an online support group. Your friends really can’t help you through this state of EXile.. You are not the person they used to know, but that’s ok. You are NEVER going to be that person again. The great news is that you are on the road to a future that will be filled with new opportunity, new friends and challenges, and probably, although at this point you refuse to accept it, a new love.