Ex-Rated

Reconnecting WIth Your sEXuality - by Analise Pendergast

In the whirlwind world-upside-down aftermath of your divorce, the idea of sex may have been the furthest thing from your mind. But now that you’re finally getting things sorted out and believing that life indeed does go on, you may be starting to think about your own sexuality once again. And chances are, you’ve got some questions.

Is the world a different place than it was the last time you were a single woman? Is satisfying sex reserved for the young and the restless, or can us more mature ladies still enjoy a good roll in hay? Will anyone find you attractive? What do you enjoy, sexually speaking? When it comes to reconnecting with your sexuality after divorce, how do you even know where to begin?

The good news is, it’s easier than ever to explore your own sexuality, and reacquaint yourself with your God-given erotic essence. Don’t even think of letting your age or your baggage convince you that your life as a sexual woman is over. All it takes is a little faith, a little exploration, and the desire to feel that magical feeling again.

Let’s start with a bit of erotic inspiration. Gone are the days when your only option for acquiring erotic literature or products was some sleazy cement-block Adults-only store in a gravelly parking lot beside the highway. Nowadays, you can go to any major bookstore, visit the sexuality aisle, and find shelves upon shelves of tasteful erotica, essays and guidebooks on reclaiming and celebrating your sexual spirit, erotic art and photography. This is not your father’s pornmag rack – this is the new millennium. While still a loaded topic for sure, sexuality is no longer an absolute hush-hush taboo, or a raunchy indiscretion. Look for booksthat resonate with you, inspire or intrigue you. Treat yourself, and look forward to curling up in bed tonight with a good book, and some especially sweet dreams.

The Internet makes it possible to explore sexual topics at your leisure, and in complete privacy. Sure, the internet’s also infamous as a free-for-all for smut mongers, but after a little surfing, you’ll quickly learn to sidestep the trash and find tasteful, educational, and inspirational sites on sexuality. In fact, an ‘Advanced Search’ option in Google allows you to search for sexuality information while filtering out so-called ‘adult-oriented’ (read: pornography) material. A fun place to start might be to gaze upon some vintage erotic art at the Amsterdam Museum of Erotic Art site (www.ameanet.com). Timelessness, a sense of humor, and tasteful playfulness characterize the online exhibits of erotic (not pornographic) images created throughout history, originating from all corners of the globe.

The Internet also provides discreet access to shops that feature sexual aids and toys designed specifically for women’s pleasure. No longer disguised as ‘vibrating muscle massagers’ with a deafening turbo engine, sex toys for women now come in every imaginable shape, size, and color – and are made to tease and please a woman’s erogenous zones with aplomb and expertise. And some of them are downright cute! Don’t miss the pretty purple Butterfly or the famously talented pink Rabbit

When it comes to thinking about being with a new lover, you may be wondering about changes in the landscape regarding sexual health and risks. In the age of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, nobody is immune from risk – but protecting oneself is not rocket science, and in this day and age, is de rigueur. Plan to use condoms every time, and educate yourself on the facts of safer sex. Again, good information is easy to find (try www.plannedparenthood.org), and reasonable precautions are not difficult to implement. To put your mind at ease, an appointment with a Planned Parenthood practioner could provide an excellent opportunity to freely and confidentially ask questions, and get the guidance, advice, and reassurance you need.

So don’t be shy. Sexuality is an gift handed out to all of us, and is designed to last a lifetime. As you explore and learn more about your sexual self at this new point in your life, you’ll begin to reconnect with your own sexual spirit, and gain confidence in your erotic essence. And then you better get your dance card out, honey - because everyone knows that a little confidence can be a very sexy thing!

Analise Pendergast is a freelance writer specializing in topics of sexuality and relationships. Her features appear regularly on MSN.com’s Dating & Personals Department, as well as Match.com’s online love-zine, MatchScene. She also pens the advice column Ask Analise for SexHerald.com, and is the creator of a pioneering writing workshop for women called Sex, Lies, & Language. Her alter-ego, singer/songwriter Lisa McCormick, offers up original odes to love on her sultry CD, Mystery Girl : Eleven Songs of Love and Eros, which critics hailed as “The Best Make-Out Album of 2003” (sound samples available at www.LisaMcCormick.com). Comments and inquiries are welcome at AnalisePendergast@hotmail.com.