Ex In The City

Letting Go

  They say that the only thing worse than hearing your ex is remarrying from a third party is actually hearing the news from your ex. I disagree. I wish that he had told me directly, it would have felt more civilized, more gentle. But hey who said divorce was supposed to be civilized and I really wasn’t expecting that I’d be anywhere in his mind.  Or that I’d not be on the invite list should it happen.  Our children weren’t on the list either and truthfully that was the most painful thing to accept. But I suppose after all these years of separation from them as well, it was a gift for them not to have to make the decision whether to attend. Strangely enough it wasn’t so much a feeling of deep pain but a kind of quiet sadness. A small calm memory pulse that had been flowing through my life, filled with the good thoughts, the knowledge that we had really had a great 20 years together, suddenly stopped. Just like that. Ok so I go pull out all the photo albums and had a good cry, but it was a good release.  So, I put behind me another milestone that most divorced women and men I suppose deal with. Strangely enough you actually don’t hear divorced people speak of this day very often. Later you say , oh yes, my ex got remarried and has 2 kids etc as if its just the most normal thing in the world. But on that day, that moment when you hear the news, you take a gasp and just have to start breathing again. No one wants to admit that after a divorce, their ex has found a deep and beautiful love with someone else, and of course in your heart of hearts all you want to do is wish them every happiness. You loved them for goodness sake, it got imbedded in your DNA to put their happiness first. No need to be cruel and vindictive. A marriage (whoever is standing there hand in hand)  is a day that celebrates love and for most people, you do in your heart hope that the person your ex is marrying will be their soul mate forever. You know he chose you and you are a good person. She must be the same. But deep inside, it stirs up powerful latent emotions. You are reminded again of how your marriage “failed”, how the dreams you had together have been dissolved not just temporarily but forever.  It just isn’t what you imagined when you said your vows and promised to stay together until death.  It just never in a million years occurred to me that my husband would ever take that same vow another woman. I am still alive last time I checked.   So another milestone, another great opportunity to move on. Yes, I put on a brave face that day and told my kids I was happy for my ex and his new wife. And I am. There was a twinge of sadness of course. But anyone who has been through a divorce and remarriage knows how this feels.  So, if you know someone who has just found out their ex has remarried, or if you are the one that has to break the news, be gentle. We are fragile beings when it comes to love. 

Solo Dining

  Like so many divorced women I love the experience of eating out, exploring new foods, people watching - but it is hard to do it alone. It gets easier over time, and in fact yesterday I went to Vancouver Art Museum and had to go into a sea of people on the patio with my little tray and feel comfortable without (and this important) not immediately pulling out the mobile phone and aimlessly pushing buttons. Try to keep your head up, look out, enjoy the food and the experience.

The SoloDining web site is chockfull of strategies and tips on how to increase your comfort and options as a solo/single diner, plus need-to-know information for anyone considering solo/single travel.

Here is how they describe the site..."Taking the bite out of eating alone" - so you get the idea of its tone - it is fun, upbeat, comfortable - and useful!

They continue - You'll get the scoop (love the icecream reference) on notable solo-friendly restaurants across the United States and beyond. And while discovering what's out there, you'll learn what to look for and, "just as important," what solo dining amenities to suggest to your favorite restaurants. (Some need a bit of coaching about what solo diners want and love to receive from restaurants!)

All SoloDining.com publications, edited by solo-dining maven Marya Charles Alexander, reveal the secrets of how to make solo dining work for you. They include: tipping tactics; how to discover solo-friendly restaurants; the most effective ways to endear yourself to a restaurant and the ABCs of reservation making.

Here you'll find the array of dining options available to solos/singles, including food bars, dining counters, cluster seating, facilitated shared table seating, communal table variations, variously named: friendship, joiners, community, chef's, the "love boat," captain's; and more.

SoloDining.com is dedicated to supplying you with the information and tools you need to take charge of this all-important slice of life.

Check it out - its yummy~

40 Year Itch

Why do more long term marriages end in divorce?  With the separation of Al and Tipper Gore, a CNN piece today looked at the increasing number of divorces in long term marriages.  In an interview with Dr Pepper Schwartz from Seattle who explained that it’s not all doom and gloom. Now if you are a divorced woman this may seem like a flippant comment - but Dr Pepper explains that with a divorce rate of 50% we are in good shape. She explained that there are two things going on.  One she said is all demography – fact is that at 60 you can expect now (unlike years ago) to have 30 more years of life and may want to make different decisions about how to spend the next 30 years. Baby boomers invented the divorce rules – about why and why not to stay in a relationship. But as  Pepper says, a relationship evolves over many years and it never on “auto pilot’ and that it is a constant process of re-evaluation. We now look at ourselves and make it better, keep it alive, make it worthwhile for the time we have left on the planet.

Is there a 7 year or 40 year itch? Is 60 the logical age – where people in long term marriages try to redefine and decide what to do with the last 30 years of life.  It’s likely that the changes have happened over many years – and people just want to go a different direction.  Over time time you maybe are going in different directions – travel vs golf – stay engaged with the family or not – it is not an easy decision but in many ways I just wonder why they waited so long.

 

Be a Journeywoman

The secret of happiness is freedom and the secret of freedom is courage - a quote by Greek philosopher Thucydides -and after a divorce, getting back in the world and travelling in new and exciting palces - alone - involves a great amount of courage.   One of my favorite websites in the world is Journeywoman. I've been part of the Journeywoman Network and reading their articles since my divorce when I typed into my browser "solo travel for women".  It's been an inspiration to me ever since. Highly recommended reading.

They cover everything from "excerpts from the diaries of other solo women travellers to dealing with loneliness on the road to taking good care of yourself in a hotel. Everything posted here stems from the actual experiences of other females who are part of the Journeywoman Network."  On this page you will find tips on traveling solo in Paris, India, New York and stories of personal strength and courage on the road alone.

The site offers a great Guide to Packing and 500 Travel Tips. They don't shy away from any topic like Sex With Strangers on Holiday - its just the most authentic and comprehensive website for women travelers.

Another site I love is Tango Diva.  It's a community of incredible energetic and creative women, thier blogs are all featured on the site. Their solo travel stories are grouped by Wellness, Style, Culture and Inspiration - and they are just pure vicarious joy to read! They have a great online shop and bookstore. You will get lost.

Check out Babeland

 Admit it, you've been wondering about the "Rabbit" ever since it was on "Sex and the City." Or maybe you just need a gift for a bachelorette party. If you haven't already perused the shelves at Seattle's Babes in Toyland or checked out their website at babeland.com, do it - go now!  They also have stores in LA and New York. 

It's the classiest place to shop for naughty toys. Its knowledgeable and courteous staff somehow finds a way to display and sell X-rated goods in a way that won't make you blush.

Sinful Cities

Ok this article is all over the internet so please allow me to provide you with an edited version.

Someone in their wisdom decided it would be fun to find out which 10 cities in America are the most lustful - measured (ie enjoy the most sex) by analyzing the purchases of condoms. Seems a reasonable idea.

So AC Nielsen (some researches just have all the fun) measured the per capita index of over the counter contraceptive purchases.  So the average is 100. Are you with me so far?  One city topped the list with an index of 289.  Other cities that ranked in the top 10 were Seattle, Washington, D.C. and Salt Lake City. Metropolitan areas one might expect to see ranked very high  like New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas, had average or below average indexes.

So drum roll......Denver is proudly the condom capital of the United States.

Just in case you happen to have forgotten those seven deadly sins...they are pride, envy, lust, sloth, greed, gluttony and anger. Forbes is right on this with their own version of America's Sinful Cities and adds that in addition to Denver being the most lustful, the greediest city is the home of Google and Apple - San Jose/Silicon Valley. Detroit is the most violent angry city. Salt Lake City has the most pride. Now you might expect that Las Vegas, Los Angeles or New York might rate at least one of the seven deadly sins, but ONE city wins three... envy, gluttony and sloth - all go to Memphis!!!  Now that is a shock.  

Not surprisingly, Denver also has experienced a spike in the number of local syphilis cases and that unfortunately is not limited to Denver. According to the CDC, chlamydia cases rose from 50.8 to 347.8 cases per 100,000 population between 1987 and 2006.  All the gorey details can be found here.

Why am I mentioning this in a blog focused on women's sexuality. Well it's because women who are divorced and out the the game for a while, are very uneducated about some of the dangers that were not even issues when they first became sexually aware.  Time have changed and the dangers of AIDS and STD's are a real concern for women.  A great place believe it or not is Planned Parenthood- their section on STD's is incredibly concise and informative

Rediscovering your sexy self after a divorce is a complex and emotional experience. It's scary, it's overwhelming, it's natural. There is no age limit on your desire for intimacy and sensuality. But hopefully these figures show you that sexuality is not hidden away anymore. It's right out there in front of you so if you are re-emerging from a divorce, keep your eyes and heart open but be aware that the rules of the game have changed. Don't be afraid to ask for an HIV test, it's your life.  Don't be afraid to say no. Move at your own pace, be educated and still have fun!

Looking for Mr Right

If looking for love is tough, then finding Mr Right may seem impossible, especially after divorce. The right perspective on boyfriends will increase your odds. The first step in developing a healthy, nurturing relationship is knowing what kind of partner that you want. It is best to do this while you are unattached, so that your standards aren’t based on a specific person. 

Deciding What You Want In A Man.  You can begin by making a wish list of characteristics that you would like in a partner. While attractiveness may seem important right now, realize that looks fade with time. It is better to focus on quality of life things such as a positive attitude or a sense of humor. Below is a list of ideas. Your list should include what is important to you in a man, and what makes you happy.

· Willing and capable of working 

· Dependable with good ethics

· Likes to relax and have fun 

· Shares a similar background 

· A willingness to help out 

· Is romantic and affectionate

· Likes similar activities

· Respects your freedom

· Wanting the same things in life

· Comfortable around children

Evaluate Your Past.  The next thing that you need to do is list the characteristics of old boyfriends, past lovers, and ex-husbands. What attracted you to them in the first place? How many of their traits match your list of needs. If there is little correlation between what you needed and what you got, see how all the men in your life were similar. If essential qualities for you are “kind”, “considerate”, and “good-natured”, yet you pick men who lack these qualities, but are either “sexy”, “good looking”, or “good dancers”, realize the conflict that exists. Be especially careful when you meet that “sexy” man that makes your heart race. If you are attracted to a good dancer who’s bad-tempered, then dance with him, but don’t invest yourself emotionally. It’s best just not to even allow yourself the temptation. 

Finding Someone New.  Don’t settle for less than your expectations just to be in a relationship. Knowing what you want before you start looking for love helps separate the good from the not-so-good, and allows you to find someone truly compatible for a possible lasting love. 

©Tracy Achen 2001
At WomansDivorce.com we have one focus - helping women survive their divorce and rebuild their lives

Ex Rated Florence

By Maddalena Delli

As Frances Mayes shows in her bestselling “Under the Tuscan Sun” (and sequels!), the rolling hills of Tuscany may be a great choice to help you climb the ladder from any abyss you feel you may have entered since attaining the status of EX. Even in spite of yourself – but  if you are willing to help the outcome will of course be better! – the mix of art, glorious sun-kissed countryside, good food, fine wine and an informal, irony-driven attitude to life is as good a cure as any you can devise to help you throught the stages from EXile to EXhale. Actually, by the end you'll probably be so comfortable with your EX label, that you'll seriously consider making it a permanent feature by joining our ever-growing community of EXpatriates!

But first things first. However laughable, the over-abused notion that 30 percent of the world's art works are located in Florence suggests at least that your EXiled self need not necessarily join the crowds queuing to see Michelangelo's David in the Accademia Gallery or Botticelli's Venus at the Uffizi in order to enjoy some first-class art here. One obvious example springs to mind: hidden in a tiny, tucked-away old piazza halfway between the Uffizi and the Ponte Vecchio, the Santo Stefano al Ponte Museum of Sacred Art is so little in demand that admission is free and it only opens on Friday afternoons. Yet, inside you can find works by the likes of Giotto, Paolo Uccello and Masolino! This and many other hidden gems in and around town are listed in the 'Small but great' museums directory at http://www.piccoligrandimusei.it, while a comprehensive list of peaceful yet art-studded parks and gardens is available at http://www.cultura.toscana.it/architetture/giardini/firenze/index.shtml.

As you may have heard, there is even a psychosomatic medical condition caused by overEXposure to Florentine art: it is called "Stendhal syndrome" after the oponymous 19th century French writer who first described it during his 1817 visit to Florence. The symptoms are rapid heartbeat, dizziness, confusion and even hallucinations. So in case you sometimes find yourself overwhelmed with grief, pretending to be art-struck can come in handy for an excuse.

Still, this can only provide a temporary solution; so you might want to search for a long-term way out of your mental loops by EXpressing – and overcoming – your frustrations under the guidance of Bernadette van Boxel and Bert Schmitz, who offer holistic workshops in meditation and energy awareness in their BodyMindFulness practice (http://www.bodymindfulness.com) set in the hills of Grassina. There is a choice of evening programmes, weekend workshops or even weeklong retreats, and individual sessions are also offered.

In spite of its name, the Teatro del Sale off the Sant'Ambrogio market is not a regular theatre, but rather a club and cultural hub where members can enjoy good food (breakfast, lunch and dinner) and a selection of live shows. It will discreetly accommodate for your swinging moods and needs to EXorcise the past. Check http://www.teatrodelsale.com for details.

Florence boasts several dozen institutions providing full and part time classes of all sorts, in a variety of languages and for all pockets. As a consequence, you can take your pick to EXplore new horizons by any medium from food (http://www.apicius.com) to the theatre (http://www.florencetheatre.com) or fashion (http://www.polimoda.it).

If however you want a crash course in... – well, shall we call it “looking at things from a novel perspective”? – then I strongly advise you to consider joining an EXhilarating early-morning hot-air balloon flight over the breathtaking Chianti countryside between Florence and Siena. It's an unforgettable EXperience so don't forget your camera (with plenty of film or storage memory!) for stunning pictures that you'll never tire of showing around. Info and bookings through http://www.balloonintuscany.com.

If you are looking to relax after the EXcitement, on the way back into town from the Chianti area you'll find a conveniently located, well established city spa where you can EXhale is Fonbliù (http://www.fonbliu.com) just outside Porta Romana (the southern gate in the old city walls), where you can choose from a variety of beauty and wellness therapies including wine, cocoa and green coffee treatments!

A trueborn Florentine and inveterate Anglophile, Maddalena Delli is a freelance writer and translator specializing in the arts, travel, lifestyle and environment. A qualified member of the Italian journalists' guild, she has also been writing for the web for ten years and is the mind behind some award-winning web sites. She is always on the lookout for projects that allow scope for some lateral thinking and can be reached at maddalena@delli.it

Planning a Divorce

By preparing for a divorce before it actually happens, you can reduce much of the stress and conflict that many people face when they rush the divorce process. Planning ahead allows you to make sound decisions and start preparing for your life after divorce, as well as helping you to avoid some of the post-divorce pitfalls. Below are some things to think about as you begin preparing for a divorce.

Get All You Paperwork Together
The amount of information required for a divorce can seem overwhelming, so it makes sense to begin gathering all of it together as soon as possible. You will need to have a record of names, account numbers, addresses, and phone numbers for all of your assets and debts. Don't forget bank accounts, credit cards, loans, stocks and bonds, mortgages, and title information. It also helps to have tax statements for the last three years, as well as pay stubs and employment information. If there is a business involved, get a copy of the tax records, assets, and debts. Other paperwork to make copies of are deeds, prenuptial or antenuptial agreements, wills, and powers of attorney.

Understand Your Financial Situation
Once you gather all the necessary paperwork, you can then determine the net worth of the marital estate. The marital estate is everything that was acquired during your marriage. Net worth is the total of all debts subtracted from the total value of the assets. This will give you an idea of what you will be entitled to when you get divorced. If you will be receiving an inheritance, don't put it in both of your names, and don't use it to buy marital property or pay marital expenses. This will help to keep your inheritance separate from the marital estate.

Another consideration when preparing for a divorce is to keep a budget of your income and expenses. This will help provide documentation for determining the amount of support awarded, as well as give you an idea of what it will take to live on after your divorce. For some people, it may make sense to hire a certified divorce financial planner to help sort out all the financial information, and assist in making sound decisions during the actual divorce.

Become Financially Solvent
Divorce has a way of wrecking a person's credit. While you are preparing for a divorce, you should get a copy of your credit report to see where you stand. If your credit is poor, you should start paying down your debt and cleaning up the bad marks on your credit file. Doing so while you're married can help you qualify to buy a house or car after you divorce. If you don't currently have a credit record, apply for a credit card in your name only. Establishing your credit while you're married is much easier than after you get a divorce.
It's important to not build any additional debt, as you will want to keep assets as liquid as possible. Likewise, don't allow your spouse to take out more debt, or convince you to refinance the marital home before filing for divorce. This just further entangles the finances and leaves both parties with larger liabilities after divorce.

It is also a good idea to open a checking account in your own name to safeguard your finances. This will allow you to pay expenses without having to worry about your spouse finding out or taking the money. You can use this account to build a reserve to cover emergency expenses, attorney fees, rent, deposits, utilities, etc. If you don't want your spouse to know about this account, have the statements sent to a PO box. This account will allow you some financial control until the divorce, but you need to remember that the money in the account is subject to division during the divorce.

Make Sure That You Can Provide For Yourself
With alimony becoming more rare all the time, it's important to be sure that you can provide for yourself after your divorce. If you are currently employed, don't quit your job. If you aren't working right now, polish your resume and begin to think about what type of work you would like to do. You might also consider returning to school to get training, either to advance your career or enter the workforce. While you are preparing for a divorce, have your vehicle thoroughly inspected and repaired. Having costly repairs or needing to buy a new vehicle can crush your budget after divorce.

Seek Legal Advice
It's beneficial to consult with a lawyer during the preparation stage. A qualified family lawyer can discuss what your options are, as well as make suggestions to help further prepare yourself for an eventual divorce. You can also get a rough estimate of what your divorce will cost during your initial consultation, allowing you to save back money in advance. Plus, when you do decide to file, you will already have someone you know to handle your case.

Make Sure That Taxes Are Up To Date
Make sure that all federal, state, and local taxes are paid to date. This can be a major hassle once the divorce is finalized, and a tax lien is the last thing that you need as you start your new life. If you suspect that your spouse has not reported taxes properly and stands to be audited, consider filing amended tax returns as married-filing separately.

Consider Insurance Coverage
If you are covered on your spouse's insurance, get complete medical and dental check-ups done for you and the children. It's imp ortant to have any necessary procedures done now while you are covered. Begin checking into getting your own coverage for health, automobile, and home, and take these expenses into account for your post-divorce budget.

Document Your Valuables It's a good idea to videotape your possessions, including the contents of your house, your vehicles, and other property. If things end up missing during the divorce, this can provide proof of it's existence. It can also help jog your memory when it comes time to divide the marital estate. If your spouse is volatile, you might consider getting a safety deposit box to store valuable documents and jewelry. The same thing goes for sentimental items that might get destroyed. These items can be stored with a friend or family member until everything is settled.

Don't Rock The Boat Even though it may be tempting to just move out of the family home, don't. Check with your lawyer first to find out what the legal implications would be. In some states, it may hurt your chances of keeping the home after the divorce. It can also have an effect on the final custody decision. Also, if you are already separated, don't start dating someone else. This will not only anger your spouse, but it may make your spouse less cooperative during the actual divorce.

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©Tracy Achen 2006
At WomansDivorce.com we have one focus - helping women survive divorce and rebuild their lives. (This article may be freely reproduced provided it is unaltered and the above information is included.)
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